I'm at SFO (San Francisco International Airport) for roughly the tenth time in five weeks. And something new happened to me. I got blown by a puffer. At least that's what they called it.
I was running a little late and thought I'd breeze through security as usual. I even started stripping early, almost on auto-pilot, taking my belt off in the line, emptying my pockets. I had my shoes off, laptop out and everything in the plastic tubs and on the rollers in record time. I walked through the metal detector without even pausing—it's a given that I'm a green light. I turned a sharp left and made for the belt to grab my stuff when a sturdy woman in uniform appeared in front of me:
Head right this way sir.
She must have noticed the look of bewilderment on my face.
Right down here, sir. Straight ahead to the woman standing over there.
Straight ahead to the woman standing over there was a narrow path between two cable barriers. I made my way ahead and the young Latina woman said, You make me feel small.
I don't do it on purpose..., I said, with a cautiously friendly gas-pain smile, realizing that this woman likely had the power to prevent me from catching my flight. And maybe even assuming a compromising position if she didn't like the way I looked.
She kicked into auctioneer mode now:
Please-step-right-over-here-You're-going-to-step-inside-THE-PUFFER-and-you'll-feel-[some number that I didn't catch]-blasts-of-air. Don't-move-and-we-won't-have-to-do-it-again. Saves-us-all-time. [Perfunctory smile]
Then she was pointing at a booth that looked like it might beam me up to the Starship Enterprise. Some guy from the other side of the X-ray belt piped in: You may have to duck your head in there. Watch your head! I think I would have been fine, but just in case he, too, had the power to do a thorough search of my person, I ducked my head and stepped inside.
PLEASE REMAIN STILL a robotic voice intoned.
I didn't remain still. You know the blast of air the playground-weakling-turned-credentialed-bully optometrist blasts directly into your eye [insisting there's legitimate medical value to the practice]? Imagine that times ten blasting you in the torso. My shirt, which was untucked, blew to and fro. So I jumped.
WAIT FOR GREEN LIGHT. The sadistic, mechanical voice spoke again.
It seemed like forever. Had I moved too much? Would I get blown again? What if I were a foot shorter? Would it have blown my eyeballs out of my head? Or shorter still. Would it have made my hair an embarrassing mess (or at least made them all lean in myriad directions)?
At last the green light appeared. I'd passed! Apparently they had determined that I wasn't too jumpy to ride in an airplane.
I stepped out to find my belongings waiting for me and still had time for a quick bite and a pint of Stella. And now it's back home to Stumptown!
Recent Comments